Dear DOCTOR Owen:

My 6-year-old daughter told me today that she was not going to eat pizza. When I asked, “Why?” she burst into tears. She said that some of the children at school told her she was a “fatso” and wouldn’t let her play with them. Since then, she has been asking me what foods make her fat. She even refused to wear a certain dress because it made her look fat. I am totally distressed by this incident. She is a little pudgy, but she’s only 6! I can’t believe that other children this age are worried about weight.

Fatso’s Mother

Dear “Mother”:

Welcome to the world. Where do you think the other 6-year-old children learned about your daughter’s character? Yes. They are marking remarks about her character—not her weight. They imply that she cannot play with them because she lacks something, which makes her different. Obviously, at least one of the children heard this at home, on TV, or from some other child.

Your daughter has been pre-judged, and placed in a category because of something that is totally not under her control. She will continue to experience this the rest of her life if she is overweight—like it or not. I have remarked about this in many other articles, but I must admit that this is one of the earliest examples I’ve ever heard of. Studies have shown that children start to make issues about weight and body image as early as 4 years of age. Innumerable studies show discrimination toward the obese in family, social, economic, career, and school situations. This prejudice is very deep in our culture.

Pre-judgment, which is natural to some extent, occurs with race, language, apparel, size, and numerous other superficial external factors. Walk into a pride of lions and both you and they will become frightened and alert. They are as frightened of humans as we are of them—and rightfully so. If we have a good interaction, then tolerance can be achieved. Clyde Beatty, the famous lion tamer, felt right at home in the lion’s den. So did Samuel in the lion’s den in the Old Testament.

How people experiencing rejection respond to the threats and actions of their critics is a very important factor in determining future behavior. For example, it is not easy for your daughter to counteract unexpected insults or rejection—especially for something over which she has no control. In such cases, there is often no rational or acceptable explanation to the “cast-off.” It flat-out hurts, and the wound it creates becomes deeply imbedded inside—like it or not.

The very ones who are being pre-judged can also foster pre-judgment. If your daughter “buys into” the rejection of the children at school, consciously or unconsciously, she will react to future offers of friendship differently. She may become more cautious, more reserved, less confident, angry and rejecting of herself, and pass on that behavior to other children. Conversely, she may take on the role of the jokester, becoming the life of the party, shining with her personality instead of her looks. She may find reward in being brainy and smart. She may become manipulative and, over time, regain some of the friends who joined the crowd in her rejection, while she rejects the very one(s) who began the teasing. Whatever happens, this will have an impact on her and shape her future world.

Here are some tips on how to help people who are experiencing rejection over being obese:

• Love them unconditionally; help them understand the ways of the world.
• Minimize the self-damage by having heart-to-heart discussions about their feelings of rejection.
• Help them with their diets. Learn about, and then teach, good nutrition. Explain that good nutrition and good health do not have to be an obsession—for the most part; they can be a way of life.

Do not dismiss this event as “child’s play.” Your daughter is in a great deal of pain. Social acceptance is the most important event in human life. To illustrate this point, would you accept $1 billion under the following circumstances? (1) Give up all family, loved ones, friends, social partners, business acquaintances, even casual contacts. (2) Travel freely about the world alone—dining alone, and staying alone in the finest hotels

Someone once told me not to become labeled as a “diet doctor” because it would stigmatize, or negatively impact on, my professional reputation. However, I decided otherwise, as I have confidence in my knowledge, experience, and ability to communicate a positive message to people about the many facets of obesity.