Dear DOCTOR Owen:

Every time I try to diet, my husband is gung-ho. He always says that he will help and be supportive of me. But, after about two weeks of lean cooking, as well as eating fresh vegetables and fruit, he starts pouting. He brings in his “own food” from the fried chicken place down the street and fills the kitchen cabinets with junk food. A couple of weeks later, he usually tells me that I can diet but says, “Please don’t cook any more “diet stuff.” Why does this happen to me?

Mrs. Smuck

Dear “Mrs. Smuck”:

Those of us trying to help people like you are just starting to address one of the most important contributors to obesity—your spouse. Believe me. You are not alone. A major contributor to your success or failure may lie in your bed (and I’m not talking about food crumbs). Spouses/partners can make a big difference—for better or worse.

Other people greatly affect the behavioral choices that people make. This is usually a big issue among adolescents. Parents tell their children not to “follow the crowd” because “trying to fit in” often results in behaving stupidly and self-destructively. Instead, moms and dads preach the need to stand up to others’ negative influences. (Do they want their children to emulate the subtler “give and take” behavior they see at home?)

Researchers at Stanford University find evidence that social support can foster successful weight control. In a study of women who lost substantial amounts of weight, “relapsers” (re-gained their weight) were compared to maintainers (kept the weight off). Eighty percent of the “maintainers” had three or more people who were available for social support, but only 25% of the relapsers had this kind of support. Many of the relapsers had no support.

More than half of the maintainers and relapsers said that their husbands were not supportive of their weight control efforts. Stuart and Jocobson, authors of Weight, Sex, and Marriage: A Delicate Balance, assert: “The most common marital problem resulting from a wife’s weight loss is her husband’s jealousy.” The threatened spouses suddenly start acting like your husband! Fortunately, more disruptive reactions, such as physical abuse, are rare. But, in those cases—as in typical ones like yours—the overweight partner usually gives in. This is part of the inferiority complex that comes with obesity abuse and weight-management failure.

The following five steps can increase the odds of receiving effective support from your husband:

1. Carefully consider the kind of help you want from him. How do you want him to respond if you “slip up,” lose weight, gain weight, or dine out? Discuss each of these situations with him ahead of time—in detail.
2. Consider your husband’s view of your weight-loss attempt. How does he feel about it? Does he dread an irritable, angry dieter? Does he think that past support he has given was unappreciated? Does he feel deprived? Discuss his feelings with him.
3. Ask your husband if he will help you. If the answer is “yes,” hold him to the commitment. If “no,” at least you’ll know where you stand (or need to run).
4. Negotiate how your spouse will help. Discuss positives (helps with cooking, shopping, does not bring tempting foods into the house) and negatives (past failures, pointing fingers). Each of you should make your desires known, but both of you should be willing to negotiate.
5. Have a “steady diet” of ongoing reinforcement and communication. Have your weight manager reinforce, or reward, your hubby for his support because he is likely undergoing a behavior change, just like dieting or exercise. His supportive behavior will likely continue as long as he gets acknowledged for the important role he is playing.

My wife once told me that the most important thing I could do for my appearance was improve my belly. Flat abs, she said, “are my favorite.” Well, I couldn’t do enough crunches and sit-ups. The outcome has been the resolution of years of backache, improved posture, and increased height! Oh yes, and she likes the abs.

In addition to the book mentioned above, Couple Skills, by McKay, Fanning, and Paleg: New Harbinger Publications (Oakland, California), 1994, is excellent for helping with weight and other negotiation skills necessary in marriage. (Note the word “skills.” These things are learned—then practiced.)